I finally cooked dinner. It has been days….weeks…months…I don’t even know. With the holidays and all the parties that come with it, we always have leftovers. Leftovers mean no cooking. The problem with that is my families inability to make a meal with leftovers. They basically get by on granola bars and rolls unless I make it an actual meal.

Fast forward to last night. I made a meal and all but one family member was home so this was THE NIGHT, we were finally going to sit around the table to eat a dinner. I had already meal prepped the dinner by using the book – Cook once Eat all week- by Cassy Joy Garcia from Fed and Fit. This meant that in less than 30 mins, dinner would be on the table. I was already winning and the night had just started.

About 10 mins into the cooking my husband announces that he is going to the store to return some things. I tell him “We are about to eat dinner”.  “An actual dinner?”  He ask. With the said story above I couldn’t blame him for asking, it had been awhile. I asked if he was able to get back in 30 mins, knowing he couldn’t. A few mins later I asked if he could wait 30 mins and then go. I assumed he heard me but upon his leaving I am not sure.

At this point I am feeling hurt, frustrated, and bummed. I deeply want family dinners and fail so often at what I desire. I am not one to beat my self up on things I fail in but I am aware of the many things I need/want to be better in. Though, I feel like this last month or more has been me really, REALLY, working hard to keep my emotions in check. I don’t know why but maybe chalk it up to aging and the possibility of pre-menopause. I am aware that so many things are aggravating me more than usual. I feel like I am spending more time in praying on keeping me in check than I am on other peoples needs. This than causes me to stop focusing on my self and pray for others…..thus causing me to not really focus on my heart. It is this strange place of needing the focus on me but also knowing that the enemy wants to keep me focused on me.

So, husband leaves and I get 4 of the 5 kids in there for dinner. The girls happily join but one son needed to do one….more…..thing….on his game and the other son was sleeping. Finally everyone gets to the table. I have soft music going and I ask some questions to the oldest son to get him engaged with us. He answers, in the most closed ended statements there ever were, and within 7 mins was done with food and ready to leave the table. I ask him to just stay for a bit. He very physically pouted about this request. The girls and I are looking up who Meatloaf, the singer, was because we were eating that for dinner. The oldest son is so grumpy and complaining saying that if we are going to talk, can’t it be about something interesting. He interrupted me as I was just about to say that Meat Loaf ( the singer) ignored the many things he was sent for being drafted and gained 60lbs on purpose to try and fail his physical. I thought that was interesting to tell the kids. I was hurt by his rudeness and told him he could leave while working very hard to hold back my tears. My dinner dreams where being crushed, by now two people in my family, the actual people I was trying to spend time with. I went to my room to hide the tears and my two sweet girls came and loved on me. We went back and finished our dinner and cleaned up without the boys there.

This all got me thinking about how can I change this. It also got me thinking and blaming my husband. He wasn’t even here to defend him self and he was already in a war. I had already sent him a text asking why he left and why could he not wait. When he got home I said I was very pissed off at him. (I was really mad) I pointed out how I need to do better at cooking regular family meals but even when I do cook he does a terrible job at making it to the table and our kids are following his lead. This conversation ended in that room but started back up in our room. It was a heated discussion that ended with us both feeling hurt and at a loss of what to do. We both feel like we are doing our best but were now hearing that the other one is not feeling that at all. I was hearing that my truth (things I was feeling) was not his truth and what he was trying to relay. Our individual hurt causes us to see things through a different filter. It doesn’t mean it’s true but it is our truth, real or fake as it may be. This happens in so many areas of life, not just married couples.

This morning we get up to celebrate Jerry’s birthday before church. After taking him breakfast in bed, my oldest son argues about going to church. He doesn’t like being “forced” to go. He would prefer to choose to go. I said “Well than choose to go” He said he wishes he was back at college so he could choose to go when he wanted to. I said that is actually how someone 35 years from now says “I used to go to church as a kid” . I told him that going to church is not about him but it is where we get trained up to tell others about Christ. Going to church doesn’t make you are Christian but it is the training ground for being out in the world.

While showering, I was praying for balance. How does one raise an adult child? We ended up choosing to to stay home today and watching on line. It actually had nothing to do with the son’s attitude but more to do with the chance to ready the house to celebrate Jerry. We are going to watch the service live and blow up balloons and bake a cake.

After the shower I had worship music playing and was praying. I said things like ” I want my life to be an example” But, In that same breathe of a prayer I got frustrated and silently screamed. ” But, I feel like I am living my life as an example!!!!”  I felt like I could do nothing different. I felt like the Lord gently reminded me to do it anyway. Even if no one sees, even if your kids are bonkers, even if family dinners never happen, live it anyway.  I was also quickly reminded of a story in the bible where the man was told to preach the gospel even though no one would listen. In Jeremiah 7:27 it says “When you tell them all this, they will not listen to you; when you call to them, they will not answer.” I am responsible for how I respond to who God has called me to be and what He has called me to do. I will continue to do my best to put others first while learning to ask the Lord to grow me and heal me. I will continue to pray for balance.

I am only human and will most definitely yell at my family members again.  Because I am human, I will most definitely, accidentally put God on the back burner while things are great and pull him back to the front when things are not so great. I will read my bible and than not read my bible. I will pray for healing immediately and than go two weeks with a sickness before even thinking about praying for healing. I will mess up. But God is still God and his goodness is not dependent on my ability to stay on track.

For whatever reason this month has been hard for me emotionally. I am blessed beyond measure and live a super cushy life. I have zero things to complain about yet, can find 85 things to complain about. I am sure many of you can relate. The enemy works really hard on areas that get us. He wants us to feel like failures because of all the things we are not doing. It isn’t even about what we are doing wrong. You may be living your life to the best of your ability and doing zero of the big, bullet point, sins, and the enemy will still make you feel like you suck at life and question, what in the world did you even accomplish today.

Today I am choosing joy. I am not going to allow the devil to steal my joy because my husband chose to return things to a store not realizing this dinner was important to me. Though, he should have read my mind and known😉. I will not let the enemy win just because my oldest son was bored out his mind with dinner. There is a battle out there and just like Jerry was in a war with me before he even got home and before he even knew it, we are in a war with the devil. He is already started the war before you got up this morning, before you got to work or church. He has even started to war before you were born and you may not even know about it. We have to stay filled up with the knowledge of who God is so that way we know who we are. We are children of God and this fight the enemy wants to start each day, God has already won. When he sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for us, He won. This thing that the enemy does is just his way of not going down without a fight. He wants to take as many people with him. Do not let that happen. We are victors. Even if no one sees you, God sees you and hears your heart. Live you life for him anyway.