Let’s start from the beginning. I was a vocal child or at least I tried to be vocal. I felt like if I could explain what I meant then I wouldn’t get in trouble. As a parent I now understand that my mom most likely knew what I wanted to say and just wanted me to stop arguing back. I have a child like this now so I understand more. As a growing child though it would have been helpful to have some ways to practice fully using my words in an argumentative way ( in uncomfortable situations) instead of just being made to stop.

When it comes to twins there are usually two types, the dominant one and the submissive one. I am the submissive one. I am also the peacemaker. I learned early on that so many things are not worth the fight. My mother is also a twin and the dominant one. This meant I grew up in a home that was surrounded by strong ladies who’s opinion were made known well above mine. Not because they didn’t care but because I didn’t let it be known strong enough.

In my teenager years having my “people pleasing” attitude did nothing to help me use my voice when I wanted to say “no” to the boy at the party. It did nothing to help me say no to the things offered at my 18 birthday party. This started a year long path I knew I wanted to get out of and by the Grace of God was able to move to another city. I technically didn’t say no, I just physically moved my self away. I knew I needed to say no to the alcohol offered to me at the New years Eve celebration but didn’t want to be the weirdo at the big kids party. Now I know that being strong and being different is not weird. It’s ok. So many times I remembering screaming inside my head to say no but had zero practice with using my words in uncomfortable situations and therefore stayed silent. I was able to squeak out help to my mother on the phone asking her to go to dinner with this guy but whispering for her to say no. I knew the dinner would lead me down a path I DID NOT want to go on. I was 15 at the time. It is the only time I can remember “saying” no when put in a situation where I felt the pressure to say “yes”

I was raised in a wonderful home and had a wonderful childhood and I believe it was that upbringing that helped me naturally stay away from so many more things. To be honest now as a 45 year old woman I would not change my story because it has made me who I am today and I really like me.

Fast forward now to yesterday. I am talking to my husband about the message from church. The pastor told about a study done with rats. It’s an amazing story about the power of community. The full story can be found here. It is the one by Pastor Seth Trimmer.

Let me back up for a small moment. My husband is amazing and when we do counseling together, he does a terrific job of listening to the people. When it comes to me, try as he might, his brain is going a thousand steps per minute and in his head he is already jumping ahead in our conversation. This “habit” has him missing so much of what I say. It has a been a source of frustration for a long time that I am often talking to the Lord in prayer.

So back to yesterday, I start to tell my husband the rat story. I give him the cliff notes to the story because I know from experience that I have his attention for just a moment. My son laughs and says how I left so much of the story out. Jerry proceeds to ask Caleb to tell the story. I say “I told the story, I cut the story short because Dad doesn’t listen to the full story”. Jerry laughs and lets Caleb tell the full story.

I shut down. I stop talking. I go back to putting away the dishes. I hear Caleb tell the same story as I did but longer. I see my husband listen. I am overwhelmed with hurt. Now this is really not a big deal. I actually liked hearing Caleb tell the story in his words but this time it hit a wound and it hurt. I immediately think about all the times I have felt my words do not matter. I thought about how a couple of months ago I told my daughter something and she needed to confirm it was correct with daddy because she didn’t think I would know the correct answer. I thought about the overwhelming desire I have to do public speaking and have no stage yet with which to speak. In that moment the enemy was working hard to let me know that once again my words do not matter.

It is ONLY because of my walk with the Lord that I know my words have power, value, and that they do in fact matter. It is not because I feel heard by those around me. At the moment I was so deeply hurt that it took my breath away. I finished the dishes and took the dog out. I watered the garden and prayed and cried. I thanked my God for hearing me and caring. I thanked God for my family. I know they truly love me and care for me and my words. I reminded myself of that fact. They are human though and fail, as we all do in things. I thanked the Lord for loving me and for giving me my voice.

I am still hurt and crying as I write this but I wanted to get it out. I thought about what could someone else learn from this and here is what I have.

1. *Kids need to learn to argue. Don’t allow them to in a disrespectful way but once things are calm, allow them to explain what they meant. Allow them the ability to verbally process it. Have them write it down if needed. One of my kids is autistic and her tone is almost always harsh. Sometimes talking things out is a challenge because it feels like an argument. every. single. time. Writing it out can be helpful. I wrote so many letters to my husband when we first got married. I couldn’t talk things out to him. I would forget what I wanted to say and never get my full point across. A letter allowed me to get it all out so it could be talked about later.

2. *You need to know who you are in Christ and what He has called you to do. I know that I have amazing things to say. I know that I am called to teach and that one day I will be speaking at events and the words Christ gives me will be heard. It took me YEARS to get to that point though. Do not rely on any person, no matter how amazing they are, to give you your value. They can be the icing on the cake but because people are human they will fail us. Sometimes they will say something or do something and just like yesterday it will hit an old wound so deep that it takes your breath away. Knowing who you are in Christ means you can take that hurt to him. If you hold onto the hurt, bitterness can seep in and become like a septic wound. I definitely don’t want that for any relationship I have. The enemy does and he will do all he can to keep your focus on the person and wound instead of your eyes and heart focused on Christ.

As I write this my husband still does not know he hurt me so. We went on a date later that evening and had a wonderful time.

3. *This makes me think of another point. Sometimes we can hurt someone and have ZERO clue. I may need to use my voice and communicate to him. I definitely need to use my voice and pray first. Taking it to God allows my hurt to go to a safe spot that I feel heard and loved. After that I can take it to the person who hurt me if I feel the need. So many times though I don’t need to. Sometimes just talking to God about it is all it takes. Jerry and I have done so much marriage counseling for couples and this one thing is talked about over and over again. One person hits an old wound deeply hurting the other person. The spouse might have ZERO idea that they were even close to an old wound but it doesn’t make that hurt less.

This doesn’t just go for marriage couples, it can be any set of two or more people, your work place, your sibling, your parents, your church, a stranger in the store, or even something on tv or social media. Something will be said that hits that old wound and it hurts so bad. It might not have a been a wound you even knew you had but it’s there. Your walk with the Lord is so important and dare I say vital for how you go through this life. I want to live this life full of love and kindness for those around me and that is only possible by first knowing Christ’s love for me.